I have no doubts now about what has been happening, and why. I can’t take it much longer and fear I will lash out. Therefore I sentence myself, before that inevitable act of murder immanifests (sic) itself.
Do not call me martyr for I do not love all those whose lives I save. Nor do I love myself enough to save me. I am so full of hatred and should not be given more thought than it takes to stake a garden or poison the creatures that would wreak havoc for us there.
Dear cohorts: a good artist is a cruel ally. A cruel artist is never an ally. Artful cruelty is a dark alley. A talentless bitter failure is good at cruelty only.
Schadenfreude Rules!
To the rest of the assholes that believed the lies: I hope you die of your ignorance and in deepest agony.
To all those I loved: at least I am not saying “I’m sorry” anymore. At last I am free!
[Alek Tierney, A suicide note. However the subject’s death has as yet not been confirmed]
***
6/10/73
[...] Try as I do to quell my fear that people are hurting me behind my back. it’s no use [....] J K whacked me on the top of my head and T G’s sing-song rhyming gibberish, and the whole store eye-balling me [...] their cryptic language and exaggerated gesticulations [...] or am I losing my mind? [....] this accusation of plagiarism has gone too far!
2/10/74
The leading killer on the job is MURDER.
2/13/74
[...] I am so tired of caring what any will think of me. It is even laughable now when I am mistreated. Am I becoming Leopold von Sacher-Masoch? And why am I suddenly remembering hiding beneath the furnace as a child, avoiding going to school?
3/2/74
A lie repeated a thousand times becomes a truth. [Who said that? Nietzsche?]
3/26/74
mal- [Portugese root word] the only objects I find are suitcase and handbag while all other words correspond to evil, squander, curse, malaria, crazy, to-hammer, beat, etc. How significant is it that packing up and going somewhere are linked to such other horrific concepts?
Spoke with J*** about my past tribulations. During this talk she let it slip and exposed having discussed with C**** her annoyance that now she had to watch out and keep track of me and the money. Their discomfort with me being alone in the store. I feel like I’m not going to be going anywhere now!
4/16/74
I am nauseous with my grief. I have lost my sister Neylan, and my friend S**** has gone to Chicago, my friends G*** and E** have gone to Brazil. I’ve lost my Fulbright—and now I fear I have no proximity to my self. My back hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts, yet I am numb—and now I am cursed. I have fallen on a knife—it went all the way lengthwise into my wrist as if I were its sheath [...] Odd again how it does not hurt. I sat for hours just looking at the blood as it congealed. Yet, I fear I may have blood poisoning now.
6/18/74
[...] Maybe we’re better off being so distrustful. But I can’t help being bitter about what’s happening to me on account of swiftly spread rumor, people intentionally trying to bring me down. Is it jealousy or what? Am I really that special? Or am I a monster and don’t know it? I am in the least not a plagiarist nor a thief in any sense of the word! I AM reckless with my love though [...]
6/26/74
Dear father,
It’s normal to feel bad when we are abused, and worse still when it is prolonged, and even seemingly hopeless when your own parents invalidate your feelings by saying you are just mentally ill and need a shrink. You did this same distancing yourself when I was a youth, do you remember? You sent me to shrinks then too because you simply did not know how to talk to children. So, as I said, pain and anger are normal given my experiences now, and pain and confusion were normal for my adolescent troubles as well. You fucking bastard! You could have talked with me all along. You didn’t have to wait for to grow up. No, I was too emotionally immature, you said. But how was I gonna learn if you didn’t show me what it was like to feel and how to express that feeling!? Well, you missed the boat daddy! You waited too long. You can spend hours listening to the OJ Simpson trial on court TV but you don’t want listen to the details of my ordeal.
7/8/74
No fucking support! I do not wish to be a sitting duck any longer.
7/26/74
My thoughts and perceptions are becoming unbearable again. It is obvious now that they do not trust me anywhere I go. Too many little details to add up. It’s just too tedious and painful. Why is this happening to me? Regardless, it is, and it appears my response is to go mad! Hardly a moment goes by that I don’t want to scream out unutterable words, pictures of who I am, curse and at the same time beg everyone to leave me alone, to be kind to me. It is so surreal. There is no kindness I can bring to bear that suffices, yet in return I receive unbearable blows. Am I already mad? Or is it possible I am a really bad person and deserve this abuse?
8/8/74
Why don’t they all just hire a tour bus! [...] Yeah, the ones who caused me the most grief are the ones who “come to visit,” to test and gauge my attitude, to sustain the barrage, or are they doubting now or even perhaps afraid of me? NO. [...but] sooner or later they will see what they want to see. Anything can and will look suspicious. It’s inevitable. And I can just feel them getting impatient, pushing for me to fuck up so they can justify pouncing on me. [...] They are wasting their time and mine. It’s time for me to see what I want to see [...]
9/3/74
C**** got my letter today. And in spite of my request for privacy he drew me into open conversation with others in the office. He asked for concrete examples. (Has he really read the letter all the way through?) He also said it read like Kafka and that I should try to get it published. He was obviously mocking me!
9/22/74
J*** outright called me a thief today. (“He’s basically a nice guy but he’s still a thief!” having warned the driver delivering books that he should watch his pen when I was signing for the shipment.) How it has escalated, how he in particular tries to increase the pressure, gets bolder with the threats. I talked to C**** about this and he denied any ill intentions on J***’s behalf. “He’s an old man already.” And then thereafter J*** was obviously feigning coincidence referring to himself as an “old man” as if to say “wink-wink” and hinted that they were both trying to unsettle me. I’m sleeping with Kafka! Isn’t that enough!?
[Alek Tierney, transcribed from notebooks and audio recordings]
***
10/29/74
“If he pretends to be friendly it means he has made a decision.” - Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls
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